she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
