I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
