i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
