I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
you win again, gameday.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
