I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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