life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
