No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
