I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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