Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
