Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
