I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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