i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
