remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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