I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize