just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
