Already got asked if we're dating
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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