Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
