I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
