I heard we made out
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
