I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
