when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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