Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
as a side note pls kill me
So. Much. Porn.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
