I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
