Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
