My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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