Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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