I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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