i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
