just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I love having hate sex.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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