you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Randomize
