just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
