he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
