You just made me feel so damn special
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
