He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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