Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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