Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
