just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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