apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
