these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
