if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
