got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
