happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
