I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
It was a blind-side dick pic.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
