so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
