Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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