Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize