We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
