He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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