I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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