Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
This is my gift to your gina
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
