I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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