My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
