I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
