It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
