I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
