Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
