If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
