i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
