I like to think it a success when the cops are called
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize