If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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