Moan for me like Helen Keller
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
