I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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