I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
