Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize