You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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